We were childhood friends. After school he’d give me a call, and after exchanging a handful of words I’d be on my way over. We’d talk philosophy at 12, asking each other if we had regrets, how the world began, what was morality anyway? That thirst for knowledge and our unabashed honesty about how we felt is what kept us close even in spite of our polar personalities. But that was youth.

Drugs came for him, both use and distribution. College came and passed him; he had no real interest in attending. I went. Our worlds because drastically different.

Years later, he shows up the door, the same way as high school. We spend the day together, hanging out, and eventually getting into a serious talk. But when he asks me about my life, how I feel, that unabashed honesty is gone. The shield is up, and when I ask about his life, he dances around the subject. We can’t talk, not the way we want to, not the way that made us friends.

How are you feeling today?

I have no idea. I guess I have to learn that in a way, you won’t find that spark in everyone you meet. The person just isn’t for you. It’s going to be hard to find that person and it doesn’t happen very often. It just happened so for my case I was able to at the time. It’s a different playing field now. 

I should appreciate life for the small victories such as being able to bang Julia finally, and have decent sex. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a different partner.

There’s just that awkward “what do we talk about?” moment all the time….. She doesn’t really ask me anything about myself, and I guess I’m expected to carry on the conversation all the time..

Julia definitely isn’t going to be a partner, but I guess we can be friends. I guess it’s onto the next one.

These days I don’t feel as if I’ve actually moved anywhere in life. I guess I went to more “events”, Miami, and Las Vegas. But they haven’t really filled that fulfilling though they were very fun.

This whole music scene, and the drugs gave it an illusion that it would seem to last forever, but in reality “it” stays the same, while you realize you, yourself have to keep moving forward.

It was a good time, probably some of the best times I’ve ever had. I’m ready to leave that part behind.

Staying with Elaine may fall into that as well. We’ve been together for a long time. Plenty of great times with the bad times. We’ve shared so much, and have been such a big part of each other lives for so long. It’s hard to let go.

But things have never changed. I set off some of her triggers, and she sets off some of mine.  We argue about the same things, and its always only a temporary fix because she really can’t change who she is. I’ve tried changing for her so much, to be honest, she hasn’t really tried for me. I’m just deluding myself that she will. There are different stress factors that are going into this. But overall, with so much animosity and stress in our lives, can I seriously be thinking this will be good in the long run? Maybe it is about time I found someone else, someone who shares more the same ideals I have.

I see my old friends who’ve moved on to new relationships. Are they really happy? They’ve definitely taken a step down in standards, and I really hope that doesn’t happen to me. They could be happy, I don’t know.

I’m scared to lose what I may have, but I’m also scared of the future we have. A Catch 22.

Maybe I do need a fresh start. Maybe Elaine also needs a fresh start. Maybe its about time for that fresh start.

I don’t miss you anymore

Poof.

You never really cared to stay in contact as you said you wanted.

You were always one to try to make people feel better without really meaning it, which I knew was one of your traits.

Pretty words. 

But you were right. I don’t think this was ever meant to last. 

I was never sure of this in the beginning, you were never sure of it in the end.

We had something great that was only ever meant to be brief.

I can appreciate that.

You were not the “one who got away”, you were “one of the many”

Now we’re strangers. 

As you so quaintly put it, #life

4/21

I’ve decided to quit MJ. I’ve had my fun. Many great times were had. But i’ve reached that point where I smoke when I’m bored, and use it always to reinforce my boredom.

I believe I’m a pretty level-headed person with my priorities straight. I  have a great job, a place to call home, a girl who loves me, friends who call me out.

At this point, MJ doesn’t give me the euphoria I once had. It hasn’t induced any sort of anxiety or panic attacks, but I do suspect it may be starting cause it a little, as I’m more paranoid these days when I do smoke.

My life is great, and I’d like to keep it that way. MJ has definitely brought stress onto my parents and I’d like to finally put them at ease.

I believe the uneasiness I constantly feel these days though nothing is really wrong, is due to me smoking constantly. I’ve been in denial using weed to help cure that uneasiness, when it was the weed itself causing it.

It’s almost my 24th birthday, I’d like to take a different approach to life now. Good Luck me, stop while you’re still young. You don’t need this.